And The Nominees Are…?

Winners are in bold, but if you want just see those and skip all the sanctimony, go here.

The Tommy Lee Jones Screentime Award (For amassing the most screentime of the year):

Terence Howard (Movie 43; Dead Man Down; The Company You Keep; Winnie Mandela; The Butler; Prisoners; House Of Bodies; The Best Man Holiday)

Robert DeNiro (The Big Wedding, The Family, Last Vegas, The Killing Season, American Hustle, Grudge Match) might be tied, but there’s no way I am watching House Of Bodies to make sure.

(This is Terence Howard’s second Tommy Lee Jones Award win, which is more than Tommy Lee Jones or anyone else. He must be tired.)

The Kevin Spacey Must Have the Best Agent Award (For appearing in the most top ten movies of the year):

Michael Fassbender & Brad Pitt (12 Years A Slave and The Counselor)

If you don’t like ties, Brad Pitt was also in World War Z. You can make that mean whatever you want.

The Marlon Wayans Award (for appearing in two or more of the worst movies of the same year.]:

–  Craig Robinson (Percy Jackson Sea Of Monsters and Escape From Planet Earth)

There were a lot of choices for this one (Sofia Vergara, Robert Knepper, Jessica Alba), his are just the worst combination of movies possible. He was also in Meet The Peeples, which I didn’t see, but could very well be worse than both of them.

The Freddie Prinze, Jr. Award (For the best acting in the worst movie of the year – male):

Jeff Bridges (R.I.P.D.)

–  Ethan Hawke (Getaway)

–  Lou Taylor Pucci (Evil Dead)

–  Miles Teller (21 & Over)

–  Isaiah Washington (Blue Caprice)

Pretty obvious winner, as usual, but it was a better crop of these than usual.

The Dina Meyer Award (For the best acting in the worst movie of the year – female):

– Rooney Mara (Ain’t Them Bodies Saints)

– Adrienne Palicki (G.I. Joe: Retalliation)

– Amanda Seyfried (Epic)

Amber Heard (Machete Kills)

Tough to go against Amanda Seyfried on this, but it’s kind of her own fault her movie wasn’t worse than Machete Kills. Plus, it’s a voice only performance and while that shouldn’t be dismissed (and wasn’t), it is difficult to judge the same.

The Anna Paquin Best Child Actor Award:

Onata Aprile (The History Of Future Folk & What Maisie Knew)

– Skylan Brooks (The Inevitable Defeat Of Mister + Pete)

– Nell Cattrysse (The Broken Circle Breakdown)

– Ethan Dizon (The Inevitable Defeat Of Mister + Pete)

– Waad Mohommed (Wadjda)

It’s getting to the point where I might have to split these, gender-wise. There are so many good ones not even nominated.

The Nicolas Cage Uneven Performance Award (For the biggest gap in quality between two different performances in the same year):

– Shiloh Fernandez (The East & Evil Dead)

Selena Gomez (Spring Breakers & Getaway)

– Catherine Keener (Enough Said & The Croods)

– Amy Seimetz (Upstream Color & You’re Next)

(For clarity’s sake, the good performance is always listed first.)

Catherine Keener is so bad in The Croods, and that’s so shocking, it’s hard not to award this to her. But Enough Said isn’t her best work either, so the largest gap lies elsewhere.

The Peter Sellers Multiple Role Award:

– Tom Cruise (Oblivion)

– Martin Freeman (The World’s End)

– Aamir Khan (Dhoom: 3)

– Joey King (Oz The Great And Powerful)

Herman Koto (The Act Of Killing)

Aamir Khan is pretty great as his own quasi-retarded twin, but flatlines it on the other one. Plus Herman Koto is the only one who would have no problem murdering me if he didn’t win.

The Sean Connery Best Cameo Award:

– Reuben Blades (The Counselor)

Chris Evans (Thor The Dark World)

– Eva Longoria (In A World…)

– Curtis Jackson (Last Vegas)

– David Wain (Thanks For Sharing)

David Wain’s joke in Thanks For Sharing is one of the funniest moments of the year. And Eva Longoria is seriously great as herself. But Reuben Blades and Chris Evans were the only serious contenders. Reuben Blades because of how it impacts the movie and Chris Evans for sheer momentary delight. The Counselor was filled with cameos though and none of them bad, so Captain America pretty much emerges victorious.

The Casey Affleck Worst Cameo Award:

Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead)

– Bruce Campbell (Machete Kills)

– Anthony Edwards and Val Kilmer (Planes)

– Nathan Fillion (Percy Jackson Sea Of Monsters)

– John Ratzenberger (Planes)

Nathan Fillion’s cameo is actually pretty good, he just sours it right at the end with a dumb Firefly reference. The Planes ones are stupid and dull (the Top Gun ones) and stupid and stupider (John Ratzenberger has a character in this world already.) So it was really a choice between Bruce Campbells, which sounds great, but wasn’t and was really no choice at all.

The Alfred Hitchcock In Front of the Camera Award (For the least intrusive appearance by a movie’s own director(s)):

Shane Carruth (Upstream Color)

– Nat Faxon and Jim Rash (The Way, Way Back)

– Evan Goldberg (This Is The End)

– Jimmy Hayward (Free Birds)

– Rawson Marshall Thurber (We’re The Millers)

Evan Goldberg is more in line with the Hitchcock template, but it’s nice when a director not known for acting can do more. And while I didn’t like Upstream Color, it wasn’t because of the acting. (I’m also not entirely sure who I saw was Rawson Marshall Thurber in We’re The Millers, but he wasn’t going to win anyway.)

The Quentin Tarantino In Front of the Camera Award [For most intrusive – not to mention annoying – appearance by a movie’s own director(s)]:

– Peter Berg (Lone Survivor)

– Stuart Blumberg (Thanks For Sharing)

– Alex Gibney (The Armstrong Lie)

Michel Gondry (Is The Man Who Is Tall Happy?)

– Joe Swanberg (Drinking Buddies)

I didn’t even see this movie, but from the trailer and descriptions, there’s no doubt in my mind it is the right choice. Excepting Peter Berg, the others really aren’t so bad even, although documentaries in general could use less of their own directors showing up.

The Drew Barrymore All Grown Up Award:

– Spencer Treat Clark (Much Ado About Nothing)

– Will Poulter (We’re The Millers)

Wiley Wiggins (Computer Chess)

Kind of a three way tie here. Will Poulter does the most “adult” things in We’re The Millers. Spencer Treat Clark looks exactly the same in an adult body. But Wiley Wiggins has been absent the longest and is basically unrecognizable.

The Martin Scorsese Best Use of a Song Award:

Chan Wook-Park for “Stoker Piano Duet” by Philip Glass (Stoker)

Noah Baumbach for “Every1’s A Winner” by Hot Chocolate (Frances Ha)

– Noah Baumbach for “Modern Love” by David Bowie (Frances Ha)

– Adam Weingardt for “Looking For Magic” by Dwight Twilley Band (You’re Next)

– Edgar Wright for “Loaded” by Primal Scream (The World’s End)

– Phil Morrison for “The First Noel” by The Elegant Too (All Is Bright)

– Brad J. Silverman for “Misunderstood” by James Denton and AJ Michalka (Grace Unplugged)

Justin Lin for “We Own It (Fast & Furious)” by 2 Chainz featuring Wiz Khalifa (Furious 6)

Both Frances Ha songs were the front runners (with Stoker a close third) and while “Modern Love” shows up twice and ties some things together, Hot Chocolate is the tiniest bit more memorable and doesn’t carry the stigma of ripping off another supposedly iconic usage (although it is used briefly in Anchorman 2 to little or no effect.)

The Andy Garcia Impossible Shot Award:

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker – catapulting Vin Diesel from the roof of a car across an elevated highway to catch a falling Michelle Rodriguez (Furious 6)

– Vin Diesel – machete kick + head in a box (Riddick)

– Ray Park – shooting Chinese stars out of the air (G.I. Joe: Retaliation)

– Chris Pine and Benedict Cumberbatch – shooting themselves across space and through a asteroid field and into another ship (Star Trek Into Darkness)

Four truly impossible shots. It wasn’t as easy as it may seem. But there’s no more joyous one than the winner and that is truly in the Andy Garcia spirit.

The John Woo Best Shootout Award:

Niels Arden Oplev (Dead Man Down)

– Peter Berg (Lone Survivor)

– Jon M. Chu (G.I. Joe: Retalliation)

– Gary Fleder (Homefront)

– Reuben Fleischer (Gangster Squad)

Ridley Scott (The Counselor)

I guess I went with the most realistic one, because a few of the others were just as good. Roadblock vs. Firefly is maybe the first hand to hand gun fight there’s ever been and could deserve this for ingenuity alone. But no one gets out of The Counselor unscathed and who gets out at all is definitely the most unforseen.

Edit: Lone Survivor is a late addition and should probably win if just for sheer endurance. But it’s one of those times we shall have to live with the call on the field.

The William Friedkin Best Car Chase Award:

– Roland Emmerich (White House Down)

– Kim Jee-Woon (The Last Stand)

– Louis Leterrier (Now You See Me)

Justin Lin (Furious 6)

This is an obvious one, I suppose. Now You See Me‘s chase might be only thing worth watching in that movie, but that’s not a qualifier. Paul Walker knocking the chip off his car while driving and Tyese flying through a store window however, are.

The They Live Best Non-Martial Arts Fight Award:

Jimmy Bobo vs. Keegan (Bullet To The Head)

– O’Mara vs. the brothel (Gangster Squad)

– Roadblock vs. Firefly (G.I. Joe: Retalliation)

Superman vs. Zod (Man Of Steel)

– Trench vs. Stig (2 Guns)

– Andy vs. The Beehive (The World’s End)

I don’t even want it to be this, whether because of the effects involved or the ridiculous wonton destruction Superman appears to have no problem incurring on the world he’s supposedly protecting, but it’s difficult to deny the power of two super beings smashing each other with whatever they can get their super hands on.

The Cast of Nazis from Raiders Of The Lost Ark Award (For worst performance of (an) actor(s) in scenes with special effects):

the cast of Pacific Rim

– most of the cast of Mortal Instruments City Of Bones

– Henry Cavill (Man Of Steel)

Some of the cast of Mortal Bones might be worse, but it’s so weird how absolutely no one in Pacific Rim can get a handle on the things they aren’t acting against.

The Talking Pig Award (For the two movies most alike released in the same year):

Oblivion and Elysium

Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down

– Mud and Kings Of Summer

– A Hijacking and Captain Phillips

This Is The End and It’s A Disaster

– Mandela and Winnie Mandela

All Is Lost and Gravity

– In A World… and You Will Be My Son

– Don Jon and Thanks For Sharing

There really didn’t need to be so many nominees. I wasn’t fooling anybody.

 The Mulholland Falls Award (For movie that failed most miserably at being as shocking as it hoped to be):

The Purge


Spring Breakers

I kind of want to give this to Harmony Korine whenever he makes a movie, but then I’d have to watch them all. Still, Salinger really wanted us to believe it was going to tell us something we didn’t know. Which I guess it did in a way. I had no idea you could get away with not having any credits. Everyone should start doing that.

The Mulholland Falls Syndrome Award (For the biggest disappointment from the most promising ensemble cast):

The Big Wedding

The Lone Ranger

Movie 43

This Is The End

The Lone Ranger might have been the bigger disappointment overall, but Armie Hammer isn’t a person we’ve come to expect anything from, is he? And you might not even know The Big Wedding existed, but you certainly know everyone in it.

The This Is 40 Award (for supporting cast member(s) most deserving of a sort-of sequel):

– Darcy (Dead Man Down)

Colonel Nathan Hardy (Man Of Steel)

– Franz (Planes)

– Becky (Thanks For Sharing)

– Salma (Wadjda)

– Betty (The Way, Way Back)

Becky, Betty, Salma… these are all characters I would watch again, for sure. But the idea of an angry defiant normal human going up against super powers is impossible to defeat. Literally. Superman ruined Metropolis. Colonel Nathan Hardy did more to save it than anyone.

The Cecil B. DeMille Award (For best portrayal of oneself):

– Jeff Garlin (In A World…)

James Carville (Olympus Has Fallen)

– James Franco (This Is The End)

Jonah Hill (This Is The End)

– Eva Longoria (In A World…)

Pretty difficult decision between This Is The End stars. As it was to leave pretty much everyone else from the movie off the nominees list. I guess I shouldn’t have done that. None of these other people deserve it more. But Jonah Hill’s passive aggressive torment of Jay Baruchel is the best thing about any of the performances in This Is End.

The The Man Who Knew Too Much Best Remake Award:

The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty

This is only by default. Surprisingly short on remakes this year. I suppose you could argue for Star Trek Into Darkness being a Wrath Of Kahn remake, but you could argue a lot of things and I like to have clearly defined parameters. Just don’t mistake this to mean it’s any good or in any way better than the original. Also possibly worth mentioning, I did not see Carrie.

The Breathless Worst Remake Award:

The Lone Ranger

Not a lot of choices, so I didn’t bother nominating anything else. But there is always a winner. Or in this case, loser.

The Kevin Costner Worst Accent Award:

Alice Engelt (Beautiful Creatures)

– Dominic Cooper (Dead Man Down)

– Isla Fisher (Now You See Me)

Kevin Zegers (Mortal Instruments City Of Bones)

– Jon Voight (Getaway)

– Christian Bale (American Hustle)

– Jennifer Jason Leigh (Kill Your Darlings)

– Matt Walsh (The Brass Teapot)

An embarrassment of riches this year. I mean, embarrassing for them, of course. Jon Voight literally phoning in a Russian accent? We know you can do that! Jennifer Jason Leigh, that should be your normal voice! Dominic Cooper’s American has been bad before and is truly dreadful here, but he’s so good despite it and plus there’s the weird infusion of Hungarian to make allowances for… but it doesn’t matter because I don’t know what Kevin Zegers even thinks he’s doing in Mortal Bones. He probably doesn’t either.

The Meryl Streep Award for Best Accent (Female):

– Rooney Mara (Ain’t Them Bodies Saints)

– Sally Hawkins (All Is Bright)

– Meryl Streep (August: Osage County)

– Emma Thompson (Beautiful Creatures)

Scarlett Johannson (Don Jon)

– Corsica Wilson (In A World…)

Emma Thompson’s is maybe the most amusing to watch, but it can almost seem bad at times because of that and that’s not fair. But Scarlett Johannson… where did that even come from? You sound like everyone in my family. Amazing.

The Jon Voight Award for Best Accent (Male):

Joe Anderson (A Single Shot)

– Paul Rudd (All Is Bright)

– Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Don Jon)

– Ben Kingsley (Iron Man Three)

Max Martini (Pacific Rim)

– Paul Walker (Pawn Shop Chronicles)

Ben Kingsley does do double duty. It’s difficult to go against that. But Joe Anderson turns himself into Joel Kinneman doing perfect Appalachian. It’s total transformation.

The Jon Voight Best Impression Award:

– John Cusack of Richard Nixon (The Butler)

– Naomi Watts of Princess Diana (Diana)

– Dan Triandiflou of Rudolph Giuliani (Empire State)

– Lake Bell of Corsica Wilson as Stacy (In A World…)

– Skylan Brooks of Jennifer Hudson as his mother (The Inevitable Defeat Of Mister + Pete)

– Ben Foster of William S. Burroughs (Kill Your Darlings)

Daniel Brühl of Niki Lauda (Rush)

– Chris Evans of Tom Hiddleston as Loki as Captain America (Thor The Dark World)

Tempting to give it to Chris Evans, but it’s just too brief and he’s got an award already. Daniel Brühl has to go the entire length of the movie. And if not for The Fifth Estate in which he plays a soft spoken follower, I might not have even known to look into this. But watch some footage of Niki Lauda and you can see for yourself.

The Worst Impression Award:

– Joey King of Michael Madsen as Mr. Blonde (Family Weekend)

– Benedict Cumberbatch of Julian Assange (The Fifth Estate)

– Daniel Radcliffe of Allen Ginsburg (Kill Your Darlings)

Mila Kunis of Margaret Hamilton as The Wicked Witch Of The West (Oz The Great And Powerful)

– Brendan Fraser of Elvis Presley (Pawn Shop Chronicles)

– Ron Howard of Tony Scott (Rush)

Brendan Fraser was doing it on purpose and Daniel Radcliffe probably wasn’t even trying to do an impression at all. Benedict Cumberbatch’s Australian accent is somehow better than Julian Assange’s is and Ron Howard could do worse than try to emulate Tony Scott. Joey King did some terrible impressions of iconic movie characters in Family Weekend and while I don’t think they were meant to be terrible, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt after all she’s done for us already in her life. Which seems to be saying Mila Kunis is just the only one leftover, but it’s maybe the most important one to get right (or not do at all), it’s the one with which we’re all the most familiar. And she couldn’t have botched it more if she’d been trying.

The Gary Oldman Chameleon Award (for the most unrecognizable performance by an otherwise recognizable personality):

– Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)

– Sharlto Copley (Europa Report)

– Chad Michael Murray (Fruitvale Station)

Sharon Stone (Lovelace)

Ashlee Simpson (Pawn Shop Chronicles)

– Sean Patrick Flannery (Phantom)

Jared Leto has that one scene where he doesn’t disguise himself which probably disqualified him. Sharlto Copley looks less like himself when he’s just a normal guy than the monster he was in Elysium, which is weird. The rest go completely unnoticed in small roles but Sharon Stone was the only one whose name came up in the credits and was a shock. Which is all the more astounding given how familiar we are with what she looks like.

The Hamlet Best Production Within A Production Award:

Kiss Of Life (Broken City)

– Jesse’s new book (Before Midnight)

Brunch (Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2)

Someone Special (Don Jon)

– “That’s What Friends Are For” (Short Term 12)

Pineapple Express 2 (This Is The End)

Save for Short Term 12, which is barely a production at all, they’re all jokes, so it has to go to the one that’s funniest. And maybe it’s just the weirdness of such a joke in an otherwise dramatic movie, but Kiss Of Life is by far the winner on that front.

The Die Hard 2 Icicle Award (for the best use of an otherwise benevolent object as a weapon):

belt (Stoker)

– boat (Pacific Rim)

refrigerator door (RED 2)

– piano (Iron Man Three)

– tennis racket (The Family)

The boat was really great and I almost fell for it, but it could have been anything and almost definitely didn’t hurt more than being punched by a giant metal hand. And anything attached to Byung-hun Lee is no longer benevolent, I suppose, but that scene was like watching a brutality obsessed Jackie Chan.

The “I’m Not The Bad Guy” Award (for the line so bad, it just had to be repeated):

“I will find him!” (Man Of Steel)

– “OK” (Last Vegas)

“Payback’s a bitch” (2 Guns)

– “Spring break forever (bitches)” (Spring Breakers)

– “Yo no soy David Wozniak.” (Delivery Man)

If this category didn’t already exist, it would now and it would be named after General Zod.

 The Rosemary’s Baby Creepiest Moment Award:

– David’s final appearance (A Band Called Death)

“I’d rape them all.” (The Act Of Killing)

– fruit fly (Epic)

a rose must have a thorn (War Witch)

For this to stand out in a movie full of creepy should be good enough for you. You just question everything.

The Citizen Kane Unseen Ending Award:

Frances Ha

I struggled to come up with anything for this category, even with this staring me in the face. It’s not a twist in the traditional sense, but if you’ve seen it, you know it accomplishes the same sort of thing. Plus, it’s the best last shot in the movies of 2013.

The Passenger 57 Award (for the plot most thoroughly ruined by its trailer):

– Broken City

– The Call

– Captain Phillips

Closed Circuit

– Paranoia

– Saving Mr. Banks


Eh. You know. And you didn’t even see Closed Circuit, I bet.

And no Nightwatch Award this year, I guess. If you can think of anything, I’d surely appreciate it but that one might have to get retired. Doesn’t seem to happen much anymore.


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