And The Nominees Are… (2014)

Winners in bold. For a list of the award winners without the blah blah blah, go here.

 

The Tommy Lee Jones Screentime Award (For amassing the most screentime of the year):

– Scarlett Johannson (Captain America: The Winter Soldier; Under The Skin; Chef; Lucy)

– Brenton Thwaites (The Signal; Maleficent; Oculus; The Giver; Son Of A Gun)

– Liam Neeson (The LEGO Movie; Non-Stop; Third Person; A Million Ways To Die In The West; A Walk Among The Tombstones)

John Cusack (Adult World; Grand Piano; The Bag Man, Reclaim, Drive Hard; Cell)

– Mia Wasikowska (Only Lovers Left Alive; The Double; Tracks; Maps To The Stars)

 

It’s quantity, not quality.

 

The Kevin Spacey Must Have the Best Agent Award (For appearing in the most top ten movies of the year):

– Chris Pratt (The LEGO Movie and Guardians Of The Galaxy)

 

The unlikeliest!

 

The Marlon Wayans Award (for appearing in two or more of the worst movies of the same year.]:

– Ray Liotta (The Identical and Sin City: A Dame To Kill For)

 

Poor guy.

 

The Freddie Prinze, Jr. Award (For the best acting in the worst movie of the year – male):

– Bill Nighy (IFrankenstein)

Alexander Skarsgård (The Giver)

– Mark Pellegrino (We Gotta Get Out Of This Place)

– Denis O’Hare (The Pyramid)

– Ray Liotta (The Identical)

 

Bill Nighy is great, but he’s the typical things you can look forward to watching in a terrible movie while Alexander Skarsgård is doing something amazing he should really save for something, anything else.

 

The Dina Meyer Award (For the best acting in the worst movie of the year – female):

– Zoe Bell (Mercenaries)

– Annabelle Wallis (Annabelle)

Olivia Wilde (Third Person)

 

Really only one choice. This could be Olivia Wilde’s best performance yet, which is a literal crying shame. I mean, she should be crying about it. Not me or you.

 

The Anna Paquin Best Child Actor Award:

– Emjay Anthony (Chef)

– Rohan Chand (Bad Words)

Noah Wiseman (The Babadook)

– Lorelai Linklater (Boyhood)

– Mira Grosin (Vi Är Bäst!)

 

I get the feeling this kid would played this part exactly the same even if it were kids movie about homemade gadget fights. Because he’s playing a real kid. In a not real situation. Which is what puts him slightly ahead of the real kids playing real kids in real situations, I guess.

 

The Nicolas Cage Uneven Performance Award [For the biggest gap in quality between two different performances in the same year (the good thing is always listed first)]:

– Phil Lord & Chris Miller (The LEGO Movie & 22 Jump Street)

– Scarlett Johansson (Under My Skin & Lucy)

– David Ayer (Fury & Sabotage)

Clint Eastwood (American Sniper & Jersey Boys)

– Josh Brolin (Inherent Vice & Sin City: A Dame To Kill For)

– Bobby Cannavale (Chef & Annie)

 

This is a tough one. 22 Jump Street isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things, and it’s not fair comparing things to The LEGO Movie. And Scarlet Johansson is pretty good in Lucy before she becomes Lawnmower Girl. And I can’t bear to give it to Bobby Cannavale but man was he bad in Annie. Josh Brolin came in a little too late, but if I’d had time to sit on it, he’dve had a really good shot.

 

The Peter Sellers Multiple Role Award:

– Will Ferrell (The LEGO Movie)

– Liam Neeson (The LEGO Movie)

Zoe Kazan (The Pretty One)

– Jesse Eisenberg (The Double)

– Abhishek Bachchan (Happy New Year)

 

Zoe Kazan might spend the least amount of time onscreen as two different people, but she has to play one playing the other to so many varying degrees. Plus, and not that this should matter, it’s really the only serious one even though probably Jesse Eisenberg thinks his was too.

 

The Sean Connery Best Cameo Award:

– Billy Dee Williams (The LEGO Movie)

– James Marsden (X-Men: Days Of Future Past)

Allison Pill (Snowpiercer)

– Edwin Hodge (The Purge: Anarchy)

– Nick Chinlund (Need For Speed)

– Michael Shannon (They Came Together)

– Scoot McNairy (Gone Girl)

– Phil Donahue (Finding Vivian Maier)

– Domhnall Gleeson (Calvary)

– Tim Blake Nelson (The Homesman)

– DMX (Top Five)

– Ben Vereen (Top Five)

– Hugh Jackman (Night At The Museum: Secret Of The Tomb)

 

With James Marsden and Billy Dee Williams effectively cancelling each other out for awesomely timed and performed cameos by characters we know and love, it must go to the person who could win this award with just her hand movements.

 

The Casey Affleck Worst Cameo Award:

– Michael K. Williams (That Awkward Moment)

– Robert Downey, Jr. (Chef)

– Donald Faison (Wish I Were Here)

Howard The Duck (Guardians Of The Galaxy)

– Taylor Swift (The Giver)

– Tim Roth (Finding Vivian Maier)

– Christopher Lloyd (A Million Ways To Die In The West)

– Jamie Foxx (A Million Ways To Die In The West)

 

It’s difficult not to give it Jamie Foxx. I feel as though I am angry on Quentin Tarantino’s behalf for that, but it isn’t my place. Plus it’s at the end of a movie full of so many awful cameos that didn’t even make the nominations list. Ultimately it goes to the one that not only feels like the most inside of jokes but that let everyone finally trained to stay to the end of the credits down and prompted so many audience members to force a laugh so someone would ask them what the hell just happened.

 

The Alfred Hitchcock In Front of the Camera Award (For the least intrusive appearance by a movie’s own director(s)):

– Tom Gormican (That Awkward Moment)

– Clint Eastwood (Jersey Boys)

Ben Falcone (Tammy)

– Luke Greenfield (Let’s Be Cops)

– Jack Plotnick (Space Station 76)

– Charles Martin Smith (A Dolphin Tale 2)

 

Not only a good cameo, but maybe the best thing about this whole awful mess he made.

 

The Quentin Tarantino In Front of the Camera Award [For most intrusive – not to mention annoying – appearance by a movie’s own director(s)]:

– Jason Nash (Jason Nash Is Married)

Shane Dawson (Not Cool)

– Farrah Kahn (Happy New Year)

– Chris Rock (Top Five)

– Seth MacFarlane (A Million Ways To Die In The West)

 

Easy.

 

The Drew Barrymore All Grown Up Award:

– Georgie Henley (Perfect Sisters)

– Kodi Smit-McPhee (Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes)

– Hannah Taylor Gordon (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)

Haley Joel Osment (Tusk)

 

Not a great field, so certainly it must go to the person most recognizable if he hadn’t made himself unrecognizable in his absence.

 

The Martin Scorsese Best Use of a Song Award:

“Everything Is Awesome” by Tegan and Sara (featuring The Lonely Island) (The LEGO Movie)

– “Liquid Liquid” by Cavern (Chef)

– “Heavy Soul” by The Black Keys (Bad Words)

– “The Weight” by The Band (Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes)

– “Time In A Bottle” by Jim Croce (X-Men Days Of Future Past)

– “Caravan” by The JVC Ensemble (Whiplash)

– “Mas” by Kinky (The Book Of Life)

– “Pretty Girl Rock” by Keri Hilson (The Rover)

 

The best song in the best movie used in so many different awesome ways. It’s awesome!

 

The Andy Garcia Best Shot Award:

Michael C. Hall – through the eye in the dark (Cold In July)

– Keanu Reeves – through the sun roof (John Wick)

– Keanu Reeves – backward crouch (John Wick)

– Maggie Gyllenhaal – driftwood takedown (Frank)

– Mustapha (American Sniper)

 

Luck over skill, sure, but a thousand times more satisfying than the thousands of people Keanu kills.

 

The John Woo Best Shootout Award:

– Patrick Hughes (Expendables 3)

– Scott Frank (A Walk Among The Tombstones)

David Leitch/Chad Stahelski (John Wick)

– David Ayer (Fury)

– Dan Gilroy (Nightcrawler)

– Clint Eastwood (American Sniper)

 

Still, taken as a whole, that night club scene is for the ages.

 

The William Friedkin Best Car Chase Award:

– Gareth Huw Evans (The Raid 2)

– Phil Lord and Chris Miller (The LEGO Movie)

Jonathan Liebesman (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

– Dan Gilroy (Nightcrawler)

 

This is pretty tough. Tough to give anything noteworthy to this movie and also to decide amongst the rest of a great field.

 

The They Live Best Non-Martial Arts Fight Award:

– Paul Walker and David Belle vs. Robert Maillart (Brick Mansions)

Ceasar vs. Koba round 2 (Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes)

– Taraji P. Hensen vs. Idris Elba (No Good Deed)

– Michael Keaton vs. Edward Norton (Birdman)

– Matthew McConaughey vs. Matt Damon (Interstellar)

– Tommy Lee Jones vs. Tim Blake Nelson (The Homesman)

– Leonardo Sbaraglia vs. Walter Donado (Wild Tales)

 

I don’t like giving it to computer generated fight scenes in this category, but sometimes it’s just undeniable.

 

(I didn’t get to Wild Tales until March 2015. Sorry Wild Tales.)

 

The Die Hard 2 Icicle Award (for best use of an otherwise benevolent object as a weapon):

– steering wheel (Brick Mansions)

power strip (Broken)

– shot glass (The Equalizer)

 

Not a great year for this.

 

The Cast of Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark Award (For worst performance of (an) actor(s) in scenes with special effects):

Louis Cancelmi (Amazing Spider-Man 2)

– KIS employees (Transformers Age Of Extinction)

– Scarlett Johannson (Lucy)

– Douglas Banks (Tusk)

– Nicolas Cage (Left Behind)

 

Giving it to Transformers would be more in the spirit of the award but I guess you could argue that at this point nobody in Transformers world cares when they see a Transformer anymore. Plus this guy did some impressively awful things in otherwise simple effect shots. He might have been a contest winner.

 

The Talking Pig Award (For the two movies most alike released in the same year):

Enemy and The Double

– Lucy and Transcendence

The Legend Of Hercules and Hercules

– Divergent and The Giver

– Not Cool and Hollidaysburg

– The Hundred-Foot Journey and Le Chef

As Above, So Below and The Pyramid

Tracks and Wild and Redwood Highway

 

It seems obvious, but it really isn’t. Not Cool and Hollidaysburg were made from the same script. They should have this in the bag.

 

The Mulholland Falls Award (For movie that failed most miserably at being as shocking as it hoped to be):

Filth

– Nymph()maniac

– Tusk

 

All three are very guilty, but Filth depends on its non-existent shock value more than the rest.

 

The Mulholland Falls Syndrome Award (For the biggest disappointment from the most promising ensemble cast):

Jason Nash Is Married

– Calvary

Sex Tape

Transcendence

Annie

 

Leave Johnny Depp out of it even. Great people keep showing up over and over in this and just get folded right into the doldrums.

 

The Cecil B. DeMille Award (For best portrayal of oneself):

– Willie Robertson (God’s Not Dead)

Kent Shocknek (Nightcrawler)

– Ray Liotta (Stretch)

– Hugh Jackman (Night At The Museum 3 Secret Of The Tomb)

– Eminem (The Interview)

 

You can’t even believe that this guy is a real newscaster he is doing such a great job of making fun of one. Never mind that he’s doing it under his own real name.

 

The Godfather Best Sequel Award:

X-Men: Days Of Future Past

– Captain America: Winter Soldier

– The Purge: Anarchy

– Horrible Bosses 2

 

Really more than just a sequel, even without the time discrepancies, but too perfect to give anything else a chance.

 

The Jaws Worst Sequel Award:

Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

– Think Like A Man Too

– A Dolphin Tale 2

– Dumb & Dumber To

 

The first one probably wasn’t nearly as good as it seemed like it was. But that could be true of Dumb & Dumber at this point too and I’m just unwilling to find out.

 

The The Man Who Knew Too Much Best Remake Award:

Robocop

 

I know, but what I’m supposed to give it to The Gambler?

 

The Breathless Worst Remake Award:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

 

Annie, you were this close. Just so you know.

 

The Kevin Costner Worst Accent Award:

– Shia LeBouef (Nymp()maniac Vol. I)

– Gemma Chan (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)

Eric Bana (Deliver Us From Evil)

– Michael Lomenda (Jersey Boys)

– Richard Armitage (Into The Storm)

– Helen Mirren (The Hundred-Foot Journey)

– Tina Fey (This Is Where I Leave You)

– Elle Fanning (The BoxTrolls)

– Jason Isaacs (Fury)

– David Harbour (The Equalizer)

 

Oh man.

 

The Meryl Streep Award for Best Accent (Female):

– Keira Knightley (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)

Rose Byrne (This Is Where I Leave You & Annie)

– Andrea Riseborough (Birdman)

– Haley Bennett (The Equalizer)

 

I love Keira Knightley’s American accent more than maybe anything. But you probably still don’t know where Rose Byrne is really from.

 

The Jon Voight Award for Best Accent (Male):

– Kenneth Branagh (Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit)

– Bradley Cooper (Guardians Of The Galaxy)

Ben Kingsley (The BoxTrolls)

– Domhnall Gleeson (Unbroken)

– Robin Williams (Merry Friggin’ Christmas)

 

He didn’t have to do more than one accent to win this, but he did anyway.

 

The Jon Voight Best Impression Award:

– Rose Byrne of Carla Gallo as Paula (Neighbors)

– John Leguizamo of Sofia Vergara as Inez (Chef)

– America Ferrera of Jay Baruchel as Hiccup (How To Train Your Dragon 2)

– Jay Baruchel of Gerard Butler as Stoic (How To Train Your Dragon 2)

– Lena Dunham of Melanie Lynsky as Kelly (Happy Christmas)

– Chadwick Boseman of James Brown (Get On Up)

Stephen Stanton of Roger Ebert (Life Itself)

 

I’m still not positive Sofia Vergara didn’t dub over John Leguizamo’s lines there. Which I guess should mean he should win, but a lot more people seemed to be tricked by this thing that was never meant to be a trick. Plus I don’t see how that movie exists without this guy doing what he did.

 

The Still Unnamed Worst Impression Award:

– Seth Rogen of anyone (Neighbors)

– Marc Evan Jackson of Tracy Morgan (22 Jump Street)

Mark Camacho of President Richard M. Nixon (X-Men: Days Of Future Past)

– Paul Eenhoorn of Jim Carrey (Land Ho!)

– Ramin Bahrami of Werner Herzog (Life Itself)

 

Tough not to pick the guy who commented on this very post thinking he’d already won, but he wasn’t really even close. But Camacho’s Nixon was a weird awful spot on an otherwise perfect movie.

 

The Gary Oldman Chameleon Award (for the most unrecognizable performance by an otherwise recognizable personality):

Connie Neilsen (Nymph()maniac Vol. I)

– Karen Gillan (Guardians Of The Galaxy)

– Balthazar Getty (The Judge)

– Sienna Miller (Foxcatcher/American Sniper)

 

How does she keep doing this!?!?

 

The Hamlet Best Production Within A Production Award:

Where’s My Pants? (The LEGO Movie)

– The Replicator (The Double)

– What We Talk About When We Talk About Love (Birdman)

Horror House segment (Nightcrawler)

– “Hatar Västerås” (Vi Är Bäst!)

– “I Love You All” (Frank)

– Moonquake Lake (Annie)

 

It’s rare that a non-joke can win this category. But that was much better news than the news ever is and yet seemed perfectly real.

 

The “I’m Not The Bad Guy” Award (for the line so bad, it just had to be repeated):

– “Innovation.” (The Hundred-Foot Journey)

“I have felt things.” (The Giver)

– “Bala.” (Gunday)

– “Do Not Go Gently…” (Interstellar)

 

I feel like I have to have gotten that line wrong. It doesn’t even make sense to say once, never mind over and over.

 

The This Is 40 Award (for supporting cast member(s) most deserving of a sort-of sequel):

– Braden Aftergood (Bad Words)

– Grace Bloom (Wish I Was Here)

– Del Rio (Lucy)

– Eh-To-Zed girls (Tusk)

Tanner Bolt (Gone Girl)

– Two Princes (Into The Woods)

– Mary Somerville (Mr. Turner)

– Elvises (Action Jackson)

– Penny (Dumb & Dumber To)

 

In a year full of possibilities, one of which is already slated to get its own movie (Yoga Hosers) there was no clearer winner than the second Tanner Bolt arrives on screen.

 

The Rosemary’s Baby Creepiest Moment Award:

– picnic (God’s Pocket)

spider (Enemy)

– “I’ll do it.” (It Felt Like Love)

– ??? (Under The Skin)

– Michaelangelo (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

– the future of humanity (Snowpiercer)

– the trunk of an abandoned car in Red Hook (A Walk Among The Tombstones)

– Snatcher’s destiny (The BoxTrolls)

– Hank and Carla (The Judge)

 

I couldn’t prepare you if I wanted to.

 

The Citizen Kane Unseen Ending Award:

The Rover

Enemy

– Gone Girl

– Birdman

 

Like I said.

 

The Passenger 57 Award (for the plot most thoroughly ruined by its trailer):

Lucy

– I Stay

Into The Storm

– This Is Where I Leave You

– A Walk Among The Tombstones

 

I mean, such as there was anything to ruin.

 

The Nightwatch Award (for the most heavily promoted movie never to grace us with its presence in a theater):

Repentance

– Welcome To Yesterday

One Chance

The Interview

Almost had the highest profile recipient in history. Might have had to change the name of the award even. But this feels a little better.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Love this. Thanks for the award…. Paul E.

    Reply

  2. […] For nominations and explanations/defenses go here. […]

    Reply

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